She

She.

She whispered to me “it is time” and in the depths of my being, something heard her, but then the world got loud and all the colour and the vibrancy took over and I forgot that small voice from within that had whispered my name.

She.

She sang to me on the winds “it is time” and in annoyance I answered “I heard you!” as I turned around and walked the other way, pride carrying me forwards and away from Her, telling me everything I wanted to hear about how I did not need Her, about how I was special, about how I had this. I knew better.

She.

She sent me messages in the language of my soul through the sky messengers and those who carry the totem of gentleness and still I ignored Her. I drove on, aware of a white noise type buzz beginning to emanate from somewhere within me, but I had forgotten all I had learned and believed I could outrun it, if I just kept going long enough. I am bigger. I am better. I know more.

She.

She called to me, louder this time, with a lovingly gentle tone to Her voice, and I span on her and snarled like a rabid wolf, not wanting to heed Her love. I know best. I am stronger. I am more than.

She.

She sighed a deep breath and turned the volume up so loud I was deafened and rendered stationery by the screaming crescendo in my cranium. I clasped the sides of my skull in despair, begging the raging tornado of thoughts to stop. I hit out. I cried. I clutched at my body, hoping it would somehow let me back in. I fought, and I fought and I fought. Unwilling to give in. Still holding on. Not wanting to let go. To relinquish. To admit. And the volume cranked up, and up and up until…

She.

She slammed me down. She riddled my body with pain and flung my mind into so much chaos it was all I could do to know where the ground was to fall to my knees in surrender. She broke me open the way only unconditional love can, and threw me into the fire. Because She knew that was the only way I would hear Her. And She was the fuel, and She was the flames, and She was the smoke that took my breath away, and She was the oxygen that helped me burn out with an intensity I had not known for a long time.

She.

She was the water that soothed my skin. She was the blankets that wrapped around my shoulders as I shook with pain, despair and shame. She was the pain. She was the despair. She was the shame. She wrapped me in these emotions for my own good so that maybe, just maybe I would listen better next time. She showed me how far and how fast I could fall. She showed me my humanity. She forced me to face myself. And in the fire, in the darkness, in myself, all I saw was Her. The Mother. The Lover. The Wise One. The Ancient. The Source. The Void. The Mystery. The Mystery.. The miss told story of She.

She.

She from whom we come. The one whose love gave birth to all. The one who loves enough to burn us out so we learn. She who burns with us. She who comforts. She who holds. She who loves.

She.

She is the flame and the fire. The rapids and the water. The tornado and the air. The earthquake and the ground.

She.

She held me close to Her breast and I shook with fear, feeling I had failed Her. But when I finally lifted my eyes from my pity to meet Hers all I saw was sorrow powered by Love I can never hope to comprehend as She held me and said:

“My dear, all I want for you is freedom. All I feel for you is love. Why do you fight me so? You know there is no war. Yet I will meet you on that battlefield however many times it may take. I will NEVER leave. I will NEVER abandon you. I will ALWAYS be here. For I am the field as well as the thing you fight. And I am the breath that powers you. I am the rhythm of the blood that flows through your veins. I am the weapons you raise against yourself. I am the thing that stays your hand. I am the racing of your thoughts. I am the moment of relief when they relinquish. I am the strength of will that keeps you rising up. I am your tenacity. I am your stubbornness. I am your inability to hear.
And I love you.
I love you.
I love you.”

She.

She swaddled me like a child and enveloped me in Her love and protection, and I allowed myself to be held as She gently loved me back to being with the patience only the Divine can show. I fell into Her and sank deeply into the silence behind the noise. I had been cursed with the dis-ease of forgetfulness. I had forgotten what runs in and with and through me. I had forgotten Her. I had forgotten God. And as I lay there, rendered helpless by myself, I smiled, because I was Home. I was in the embrace of God. And I couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be til I found myself here again, broken open and raw, and I felt Her smile as She knew as well as I did that the only choice I had was how much I fought rather than loved the pain. But She smiled with Love. For as She reminded me, She is the pain too. She is All. She is. I am.

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